When Parenting Growth Feels Unfair: A PDA-Informed Look at Sibling Dynamics

"You're letting her get away with everything! It's not fair!"

Honouring Growth Without Ignoring the Grief

 If you're a parent who has evolved your approach over the years—moving from more traditional, consequence-based parenting toward relationship-based, low-demand approaches—you've likely heard some version of these words from an older sibling. And if you have, you're not alone in feeling the weight of that accusation, the complexity of that pain.

The Reality of Parenting Evolution

Here's what we need to talk about: parenting evolution is both necessary and complicated. When we learn more affirming ways to support our neurodivergent children—when we discover PDA-informed approaches, trauma-informed parenting, or nervous system-aware responses—we naturally want to implement these insights.

But what happens when you have multiple children, and your older child has experienced a different version of your parenting journey?

This is where many families find themselves: caught between honouring their growth as parents while navigating the very real impact on siblings who experienced different approaches.

Understanding the Older Sibling's Experience

When an older child watches their younger sibling receive what appears to be more flexibility, fewer consequences (well, the correct term is adult-imposed punishments), and different responses to distress behaviors or behaviours of concern, their nervous system is doing what nervous systems do—trying to make sense of safety, fairness, and love through comparison.

Their anger makes complete sense.

Their brain is processing not just current moments, but accumulated experiences from when they were parented differently. They're asking questions like:

• "If this approach is better, what does that say about how I was treated?"
• "Am I less important because I didn't get this understanding?"
• "Does this mean the punishments I received were wrong?"

These aren't just cognitive questions—they're nervous system activations that carry grief, confusion, hurt, anger, and a sense of injustice.

The Invisible Work of Evolved Parenting

One of the challenges families face is that relationship-based, nervous system-informed responses often happen quietly. When you:

• Help a child regulate before guiding them toward repair
• Respond to the need behind the behaviour rather than just the behaviour itself
• Prioritize connection over compliance
• Use multi-day approaches to processing and authentic repair

...this work is often invisible to observers—including siblings.

Where traditional consequences were visible and immediate, these newer approaches can look like "nothing is happening" or like the child is "getting away with" their behaviour.

The older sibling doesn't see the regulation support, the gentle guidance toward repair, or the relationship-building that's happening behind the scenes.

They just see a lack of punishment—and that can feel deeply unfair. 

Validation Without Returning to Old Patterns

So, how do we honour an older child's feelings without abandoning the approaches that better serve our family now?

The key is validation without agreement.

This might sound like:

• "You really want to see punishments when your sibling acts that way."
• "It feels unfair to you that they didn't get in trouble."
• "You're noticing that we respond differently to them than we used to respond to you."
• "This is really hard for you to watch."

Notice that none of these responses dismiss the feeling, argue with the perception, or rush to explain. They simply witness what's true for the older child in that moment.

Their Feelings Are Information, Not Instructions

Here's what's crucial to remember: your older child's feelings are information, not instructions. They're telling you about their inner world, their needs for validation and understanding, and their very human desire to matter. You don't need to fix these feelings, convince them they're wrong, or return to old parenting patterns.

You need to witness them with compassion while continuing to parent in ways that serve your whole family. And trust that this will support the healing journey. 

Making the Invisible Visible (When Ready)

As trust builds and your older child's nervous system feels safer, you might find small, natural moments to make some of your parenting process visible. Not to justify your choices, but to help them see that accountability and growth are still happening—they just look different now.

This might eventually sound like:

• "We're helping them learn to make things right in a way that matches where they're at developmentally."
• "When someone's really upset, we help them settle first so they can actually learn and grow."
• "We're still teaching responsibility—we're just doing it in a way that builds them up instead of breaking them down."

But this sharing happens only when their system feels open to receiving this information, not as a way to convince them or stop their feelings.

Repairing with the Older Sibling

And when the time is right, a moment of repair might sound like:

“I wish I had known then what I know now. I’m sorry I didn’t get it right. I’m still learning, and I’m open to hearing how it felt for you.”

This doesn’t undo the past—but it models the healing you now know is possible.

The Long Game of Healing

What we're talking about here isn't a quick fix. This is the long game of family healing. You're:

• Building something new while honouring what was
• Supporting one child's grief about the past while creating safety for another child's present
• Doing it all while managing your own capacity and growth

Some days this will feel manageable. Some days it will feel overwhelming. Both experiences are part of the process.

Trusting Your Wisdom

Here's what I want every parent reading this to know: You are not failing when this feels hard. You are not doing anything wrong when progress feels slow or non-linear. You are parents who have chosen growth over comfort, relationship over control, and love over being right.

That choice comes with challenges, but it also comes with the possibility of healing—for all of you.

Practical Support for Right Now

If you're in the thick of this dynamic, here are some gentle reminders:

For supporting your older child:

• Continue validating their feelings without changing your approach with younger siblings
• Look for small moments to acknowledge their perspective without defensiveness
• Notice when their nervous system seems more open vs. more activated, and time conversations for when they seem more open and you are feeling connected 
• Remember that building trust and safety comes before understanding or agreement, and that's a long-term project that will have positive long-term impacts

For supporting yourself:

• Remember that your nervous system state affects everyone else's—self-care isn't selfish, it's essential, and sometimes it's more about survival self-care 
• Some days will be much harder than others, and that's part of the process
• Trust that this work matters, even when it doesn't feel like it's "working"

The Ripple Effect

The work you're doing now is creating ripples that will extend far beyond these difficult moments. You're showing your children that:

• People can change and grow
• Families can heal
• Love can look different while still being love
• Mistakes don't define us—how we respond to them does

Your older child is learning—even through their resistance—that feelings can be held without being fixed, that family systems can evolve, and that their worth isn't determined by comparison.

Your younger child is learning that they are worthy of patience, understanding, and responses that match their developmental needs.

And you? You're learning that parenting evolution isn't about perfection—it's about staying in relationship while continuing to grow.

You're Not Alone

If this resonates with your family's experience, please know that you're not alone in this journey. Many families are navigating these same waters, trying to honour their growth while supporting all their children through the process.

This work is hard. It's also sacred. Keep trusting your instincts, keep seeking support when you need it, and keep believing that this work matters—because it does, more than you might ever fully know.

💬 Have you experienced this in your own family? What parts of parenting evolution or sibling dynamics have felt especially complex or tender?

You’re not alone in this. If any part of this resonates and you’re looking for support I’d love to hear from you. You’re always welcome to reach out. 💛

With care,

Adrianne